Friday, May 27, 2011

Answers and some Truths

Well hello to anyone that is still here with me!

I know I have been a horrible blogger and thou there is not excuse I swear I have a good one.

We are going to have to go back a bit for you to understand. There is going to be some TMI and this is your disclosure on that. This also is going to be a very long post with no pictures, so thank you in advance if you make it to the end.

I started this blog as a way to document going from a newly married couple to the joys of owning a home and starting a family.

On October 28th, 2010 I found out I was pregnant.

As like most couples we had not discuss our plans of having children with anyone because they are that OUR plans. We did not want people asking how it was going giving "encouraging pep talks". This was something private in our lives we had been dealing with since our wedding. We knew we wanted to have children ASAP as we have both been married and not getting any younger. There was many things we had to get straighten out with insurance and relocating to Austin and New Braunfels but we took the "well we will just see what God gives us".

By July of 2010 (a year after being married and no bebe) I began charting and told P that I was wanting to see if we can make sure I am ovulating and all that good stuff. He was on board so then began the morning temperatures, ovulation predictor strips and reading up on things to help encourage pregnancy. August I charted all month and saw a clear ovulation and that there could be some issues because I Oed really late and have a short Lunar Phase. For those that do not know what a LP is, it is the time from Ovulation till your period begins again. "Normal" LP is 12-14 days, mine was 8 days. Why this is bad is that you do not implant a pregnancy till somewhere between 7-10DPO (days past ovulation). By this point my uterus was already shedding. I called my OB/GYN and they basically told me don't worry. With some research I found out that B6 has been proven to lengthen LP. So I began taking it.

September I charted everything went along smoothly and in October I got the ask on a pee stick most women want "Pregnant". I had a due date of July 4th, 2012 (yes had) I called and made an appt of Nov 18th which I would be just past 8 weeks and we would be able to see the heartbeat and know everything was fine. I told my closest friend and youngest sister. I knew I would need some support. My friend has been thru it all and my youngest sister does not know enough about fertility problems to say the wrong thing.

I knew for months that I wanted to surprise P with a willow tree figurine of a man holding a baby, because he refuses to hold babies till he has his own. I went to the florist and got one came home from work and wrapped it before he got home and waited.

After much prodding he finally opened it. I didn't get the response I expected cause he was in shock. He went into planner mode. I was a week out from my sister’s wedding that I had many duties and roles and we knew I was not going to be able to do everything that I normally would be able. We planned to tell my parents prior to the wedding just to give a heads up. But before telling my parents P wanted to tell his first because they have been waiting for 15 years to hear of them getting a grandchild. Thou I did not really want to tell anyone til 12 weeks it got out there fast. The next day P told his work because July is a busy time of year and he would need off for the birth. He told his parent that weekend, an old HS friend also pregnant at church, people at a Halloween party, etc.

I began to get over this fear I had had for years of telling too soon. I had a miss M/C years and years before and never been pregnant since. I was not like many of friend to have a accident from not being safe. Prior to getting pregnant this time I had told P my wishes to not tell cause I know there are high odds of MC early on. The more people that found out once my initial “why did you tell them freak out” was over the more ok I became with people knowing.

So the following week we loaded up and drove to Houston for my sister’s wedding. P, my mom and myself ran errands and in Sam's Club my mom saw many cute baby things and said she needed grandchildren to spoil cause the stuff was too cute not to buy. P and I exchanged knowing glances of that we were telling her and my dad that night.

We had dinner at a great seafood restaurant and I order a steak salad and my mother thought I was crazy for not getting fresh seafood like everyone else. Minutes later I gave them gifts that had oneies with cute gramma & grampa sayings and it was on! They were very excited and my dad does not get excited about much! My mother was ready to call everyone. I had a twinge to tell her no don't tell everyone but I let it go. By 9 am the next day everyone in my family knew. It was not my intent to over shadow my sister's wedding but that of I cannot lift the 50 lbs tubs of stuff and I was in the tired stage.

The next day was the wedding day and very hectic and I could tell I was over doing it. Help my sister swore would be there to set up showed up an hour late. They messed up the groom cake in transport and I had to fix it. I was the wedding planner, decorator, makeup artist, hair stylist and bridesmaid. It was a looooong day.

The day after the wedding we headed home cause P had tickets for the Nascar race in Fort Worth and would be leaving in the middle of the night to go. I spent Sunday getting the house cleaned up, grocery shopping and running errands. The whole day I felt off. I felt like something was wrong. I called my OB/GYN and was told don't worry it is normal for first time mothers to think everything is wrong. Just to get some rest.

Monday things got worst and I was still told just to rest. Tuesday was a little better.

Weds. there was no denying I need immediate medical assistance. My OB/GYN office was closed. I had to call another office to see me and the fit me in 30 mins later. At this point I just knew I had lost the baby. We got the office and they had me that a pregnancy test and it was still positive. The doctor saw me and said my cervix was still closed so everything was still inside me. A few mins. later we saw what was supposed to be the sac was not nice and egg like with something in the middle and blank space around it but a deflated sac for lack of better description. My body was trying to expel it. I had not miscarried yet but I would in the next 24-48 hours. There was nothing I can do to stop it or that I could have done to prevent it.

Going home to sit and face a death sentence is horrible. Normally I am the one to fix the situation when people are broken but I could not put my pieces back together. All I could think of was I have to go take our white bedding off the bed, put dark sheets on and just stay there till the end of time. But I spend Weds feeling sorry for myself and I worked Thursday without any pain thinking maybe the doc was wrong. Friday morning everything happened while I was by myself at 6:30 am. Blood work two hours later proved I was no longer pregnant. P was at work and I text him to which he replied "Oh well we can try again". I know he meant well but it did not sit well with me.

My mother had her own "encouraging " words of well at least you know you can get pregnant, It just was not meant to be this time, I know so and so and they M/C too. I know she meant well also but again not helping. My friends that knew did not understand it cause they have never dealt with it. They all took home their babies.

I told P and my mother that they had to untell every since person that was told. I was not going to have this open for discussion and give answers for things that I would never get answers to. What was supposed to be my 8 wk appt turned into a consult that left me with no answers of the way I was feeling and to wait 3 months.

So I told you I would give you some answers as to why I have not Blogged since Dec. Obviously that has been since the M/C. Well to be brutally honest I have had severe depression since. I threw myself into planning the perfect X-mas and entertaining everyone for the holidays and trying to BE NORMAL when I was feeling far from it. The more I pushed and acted normal the less I felt like me.

For those still with me you get a cookie. As well as a cliff hanger. I have made some changes but I still have a long way to go. I am still not pregnant. I have dealt with horrible physicians that gave me no answers and am still on the best place. But I am moving forward. I have admired may a bloggers that have shared their stories and be too afraid to tell me dark secrets of what I am dealing with. Next I will tell you what is going on with us now.